Today, I did the Dirty Dash in Edgewood, NM!
To a lot of people, they think “that’s no big deal, it’s just a fun run”. And I get that because to many people, who have been active most or all of their lives, something like the Dirty Dash would be just a fun activity to go do.
To me, it was more… After spending a decade, overweight, secluded, inactive, scared, and basically depressed – going out and doing something like this was a major thing. I actually wasn’t going to follow through and do it… But after some support from a good friend, Scott, I decided it was now or never.
And man – was it fun!
There were a few people from our Box that went but I couldn’t find them before we started, and even though I was bummed and kinda upset, I think it turned out perfectly for me.
Waiting for the event to start, I honestly thought I was going to be sick. I kept thinking “What if there’s an obstacle I just can’t do?” “What if I fall and get hurt?” “What if I look like a complete fool out here? ” “What if…” “What if….” All the thoughts and negativity that have kept me from doing so many different things over my life. I kept looking over at Scott freaking out. Which he responded to by doing what he does best – picking on me and making me laugh.
The first wave of people went, and we thought we’d be in that wave – nope, we had to wait 5 minutes! Gah! Really?! Then it was our turn. Yep, I was absolutely, completely, freaking out!
So, of course, Scott being in his element, jumped right into the first water pit and kept on with the jokes. It was crazy and cold and weird and awesome. And, I was doing this…
Then, I see the wooden walls that you have to get over. I really just wanted to turn and go home… I was so scared that I would make a fool out of myself and not be able to get over the wall. The first one, I couldn’t… I gave up right away and Scott boosted me up and over. The second one though, I figured I had to try – I mean, why else was I there?! I did it! And then one after that! I was far from graceful but I didn’t care!
We came up to obstacle after obstacle, and I did them… All of them. A few I wanted to cry (just at the site, then again during them, and then after)! But I actually did them all!
The killer part for me – none of the obstacles were really all that physically difficult for me! It was all mental and emotional. All those “what ifs” in my head… all those years of doubting myself… all those fears… all of that weakness… you don’t just shrug all that off just because the weight comes off and you start getting stronger. So much of that stays with you and you have to face it. Man, was I facing it!
We’d come to a new obstacle and Scott would just explain what to do, and give me the “go do it” look. A few times, while I was at the top of a wall or net and starting to panic a little, he’d just remind me to take my time but to keep going.
(I realize now – had there been the other people from the Box around me, flying up and over the same obstacles, then having to wait to on me… the pressure and stress probably would’ve gotten to me. I would’ve gotten pretty down on myself regardless of how awesome and patient they would’ve been.)
The moment that told me I was okay and having fun was the moment I hit the inflatable water slide, going down head first. Never, ever, in my life would I have thought I would that. Ever. It was awesome!!!
So… The point to all of this?
What have you really wanted to do, try, or experience… but there’s something holding you back? Something negative and discouraging keeping you from going out and doing it… Fight past it! Find the courage to get past it. And know, you are not alone!! There are so many of us out here, battling, fighting, pushing through!
Also know, not all battles start and end in a single day. Mine started a year ago when I started Crossfit. That was my first step in really facing my fears, and finding my real self again. I still fight daily. It sucks and it hurts and some days it’s so scary but it’s so worth it and you know why?
It’s all there… Just waiting for you.