2014 Dirty Dash!

Today, I did the Dirty Dash in Edgewood, NM!

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To a lot of people, they think “that’s no big deal, it’s just a fun run”. And I get that because to many people, who have been active most or all of their lives, something like the Dirty Dash would be just a fun activity to go do.

To me, it was more… After spending a decade, overweight, secluded, inactive, scared, and basically depressed – going out and doing something like this was a major thing. I actually wasn’t going to follow through and do it… But after some support from a good friend, Scott, I decided it was now or never.

And man – was it fun!

There were a few people from our Box that went but I couldn’t find them before we started, and even though I was bummed and kinda upset, I think it turned out perfectly for me.

Waiting for the event to start, I honestly thought I was going to be sick. I kept thinking “What if there’s an obstacle I just can’t do?” “What if I fall and get hurt?” “What if I look like a complete fool out here? ” “What if…” “What if….” All the thoughts and negativity that have kept me from doing so many different things over my life. I kept looking over at Scott freaking out. Which he responded to by doing what he does best – picking on me and making me laugh.
The first wave of people went, and we thought we’d be in that wave – nope, we had to wait 5 minutes! Gah! Really?! Then it was our turn. Yep, I was absolutely, completely, freaking out!
So, of course, Scott being in his element, jumped right into the first water pit and kept on with the jokes. It was crazy and cold and weird and awesome. And, I was doing this…
Then, I see the wooden walls that you have to get over. I really just wanted to turn and go home… I was so scared that I would make a fool out of myself and not be able to get over the wall. The first one, I couldn’t… I gave up right away and Scott boosted me up and over. The second one though, I figured I had to try – I mean, why else was I there?! I did it! And then one after that! I was far from graceful but I didn’t care!
We came up to obstacle after obstacle, and I did them… All of them. A few I wanted to cry (just at the site, then again during them, and then after)! But I actually did them all!
The killer part for me – none of the obstacles were really all that physically difficult for me! It was all mental and emotional. All those “what ifs” in my head… all those years of doubting myself… all those fears… all of that weakness… you don’t just shrug all that off just because the weight comes off and you start getting stronger. So much of that stays with you and you have to face it. Man, was I facing it!
We’d come to a new obstacle and Scott would just explain what to do, and give me the “go do it” look. A few times, while I was at the top of a wall or net and starting to panic a little, he’d just remind me to take my time but to keep going.
(I realize now – had there been the other people from the Box around me, flying up and over the same obstacles, then having to wait to on me… the pressure and stress probably would’ve gotten to me. I would’ve gotten pretty down on myself regardless of how awesome and patient they would’ve been.)
The moment that told me I was okay and having fun was the moment I hit the inflatable water slide, going down head first. Never, ever, in my life would I have thought I would that. Ever. It was awesome!!!

So… The point to all of this?
What have you really wanted to do, try, or experience… but there’s something holding you back? Something negative and discouraging keeping you from going out and doing it… Fight past it! Find the courage to get past it. And know, you are not alone!! There are so many of us out here, battling, fighting, pushing through!
Also know, not all battles start and end in a single day. Mine started a year ago when I started Crossfit. That was my first step in really facing my fears, and finding my real self again. I still fight daily. It sucks and it hurts and some days it’s so scary but it’s so worth it and you know why?
The happiness.
The satisfaction.
The pride.
The peace.
It’s all there… Just waiting for you.

Today, I did the Dirty Dash and I’m smiling… A lot!
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Be Blessed,
Jai

A year of Crossfit…

I never thought I would stick to anything for more than a month or two. I mean, lets be honest here, I never have before! But Crossfit is different. I really cannot imagine my life without it!

Lately, I’ve been really beating myself up though. I thought that I would “further along” in my weight loss, or lifting more, or whatever my issue is for the day. I kept really getting onto myself and well, being mean.

Then I came across a picture from a few weeks before I joined my Box (on the left). Curiosity got the best of me and I wanted a comparison picture…  So, I pulled up a a picture from this past month (on the right).

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Now, I know I am not done… I still have plenty of work to do! But I love seeing the difference! :)

Just wanted to share because some times I think we lose sight of our progress and our eyes get stuck looking at the scale.

Thank you, to my coaches at Desert Forge Crossfit for helping me change my life! You have been by my side this entire year, never stopped believing in me, supporting me and pushing me! Love you all!!

 

Be Blessed,

Jai

Crestview Day 1

So I wanted to make sure that I captured my thoughts from today – so I did the best I could as I drove home… 

 

For those that don’t know – I am working with my youth group, in Albuquerque for our missions week. 

Here’s the dark video! 

Crestview Day 1

Identity

Do you ever have days that you look around and wonder “who am I”?

I used to struggle with not knowing who I really truly was. I was also a mom and a wife but never Jai. So, over the past few years, as I’ve unburied myself from this weight, I’ve gotten glimpses of who I really am and who was hiding beneath the food and fluffy. I remember her from my teenage years. She was kinda cool in my book.

But on days like today, I wonder “what’s so great about her – me”? And this isn’t a pity party question, it’s a legitimate question. I know that we all have some traits that stick out, things that people love (and not so love), things we contribute to society–friends–family, so on and so on. Everyone is unique no matter what they think or feel.

But if people find a way to imitate you, and fill your shoes – then you must not have been so great after all – right? When you think about the most amazing people – there’s no one else around that could have or will ever be able to fill those shoes. And I don’t feel like I’ve created a life that is like that. (I’m not referring to my kids, by the way – I mean, outside of my house.) I don’t feel like the impression I leave on the outside world is enough to remain if I were to step aside.

Is that ego? pride? wrong? I don’t think it’s those…….. I don’t feel like I want that for glory or selfish reasons. To me it’s more of a sense of belonging, of mattering – but on a level that not just anyone could reach. It’s touching someone’s heart in way that leaves a mark. Is that selfish? Maybe it is……

That teenager I was, that girl I see glimpses of….. She was kind of messed up – naive, stubborn, loud, opinionated, strong….. She survived a lot of sh*t. She was a real survivor. Dumb, but a survivor… And she had a life, with experiences and adventures and happiness.

I don’t want to just survive any more.

I want to live. And I want it to be MY life. Not one anyone can step in and imitate. One that’s mine and one that matters.

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Whole Life Challenge – Day 11

Okay so I didn’t have time to type out what I wanted to say, so you got in a video! Sorry!

At one point I wasn’t very clear and I wanted to put my definition of healthy here so you have it.
My own personal definition of health is that my weight be within a range that no doctor can tell me that I’m overweight. That all of my blood work comes back at low to normal ranges for at risk items. That I can run, and run for a distance! And that I am strong! I don’t need to be musclehead strong, but I do need to be able to pick up and carry my children for a long distance. I need to be able to move furniture. I need to be able to lift and pull and push and support my bodyweight for a long period of time.