Not sure this is even coherent … And sorry for the yawns. Haha.
Here’s the link for day two.
Sorry I couldn’t get it to you last night, I fell asleep as it was uploading! Haha!
So I wanted to make sure that I captured my thoughts from today – so I did the best I could as I drove home…
For those that don’t know – I am working with my youth group, in Albuquerque for our missions week.
Here’s the dark video!
Do you ever have days that you look around and wonder “who am I”?
I used to struggle with not knowing who I really truly was. I was also a mom and a wife but never Jai. So, over the past few years, as I’ve unburied myself from this weight, I’ve gotten glimpses of who I really am and who was hiding beneath the food and fluffy. I remember her from my teenage years. She was kinda cool in my book.
But on days like today, I wonder “what’s so great about her – me”? And this isn’t a pity party question, it’s a legitimate question. I know that we all have some traits that stick out, things that people love (and not so love), things we contribute to society–friends–family, so on and so on. Everyone is unique no matter what they think or feel.
But if people find a way to imitate you, and fill your shoes – then you must not have been so great after all – right? When you think about the most amazing people – there’s no one else around that could have or will ever be able to fill those shoes. And I don’t feel like I’ve created a life that is like that. (I’m not referring to my kids, by the way – I mean, outside of my house.) I don’t feel like the impression I leave on the outside world is enough to remain if I were to step aside.
Is that ego? pride? wrong? I don’t think it’s those…….. I don’t feel like I want that for glory or selfish reasons. To me it’s more of a sense of belonging, of mattering – but on a level that not just anyone could reach. It’s touching someone’s heart in way that leaves a mark. Is that selfish? Maybe it is……
That teenager I was, that girl I see glimpses of….. She was kind of messed up – naive, stubborn, loud, opinionated, strong….. She survived a lot of sh*t. She was a real survivor. Dumb, but a survivor… And she had a life, with experiences and adventures and happiness.
I don’t want to just survive any more.
I want to live. And I want it to be MY life. Not one anyone can step in and imitate. One that’s mine and one that matters.
Okay so I didn’t have time to type out what I wanted to say, so you got in a video! Sorry!
At one point I wasn’t very clear and I wanted to put my definition of healthy here so you have it.
My own personal definition of health is that my weight be within a range that no doctor can tell me that I’m overweight. That all of my blood work comes back at low to normal ranges for at risk items. That I can run, and run for a distance! And that I am strong! I don’t need to be musclehead strong, but I do need to be able to pick up and carry my children for a long distance. I need to be able to move furniture. I need to be able to lift and pull and push and support my bodyweight for a long period of time.
I haven’t blogged in a few days because it’s been quite uneventful.. Which in my life is quite good!!!
My back is still killing me but at least I can move without looking like an 80 year old woman!
I earned two bonus pointed for “reflections” on my daily WLC profile. They are almost taunting me… Okay, they are…A lot. It was so tempting to ask hubs to bring home some chocolate or something sugar loaded! But, I didn’t do it. *Sigh* I going to try to keep all of my cheats savory with maybe one or two sweet. That’s my goal… Sugar really is the bane of my existence. I think because it’s so easy to use to feed my inner addict, it’s legal, accessible, and so ‘socially accepted’. Which, to be quite honest, the last of those should be the main reason to avoid it! And detoxing from it is just as bad as a drug!
I came across this on the internet this week and it’s really been sticking with me.
Growth hurts. It so does and always has… When we’re young, we suffer from physical growing pains, the pain of growing up, learning lessons (for the first time, haha), learning about life in general. Then we get older and growth seems to sting more and more. Maybe because it comes at greater costs? Lessons learned tend to sting more and leave deeper lasting scars.
For me, growth hurts because through my growing, especially on my weight loss journey, I’ve learned how badly I’ve messed up. I mean, you don’t get to be over 300lbs overnight, by accident, or by bad luck – you do it to yourself, over and over, day in and day out. It’s every choice you make. My children have struggles that they have inherited from me, many of which are from my choices. As I’ve grown and matured, it hurts to see what I could’ve done better. It hurts to know that I’ve done things to myself that I cannot take back or erase. It also hurts to admit I was wrong… (Shhh, don’t tell hubs I ever said that!) That my way of life was unhealthy, filled with unhappiness and regret and I’m currently paying many prices now for my choices then.
Change hurts. You would think, with my past and how I grew up, that change would come easily to me. And, being married to a cop, that would help with change being easy – there’s not really set hours, set pay, set anything. So, change should be painless….
Ha. Ha. Ha….
Not even close.
I loathe change, it messes everything up. It causes me to have to think on my feet, come out off my routine and leave my comfort zone. It’s messy. I don’t like it. At all. No.
And with weight loss….?
You want me to change what I eat, how I eat, why I eat, when I eat. You want me to look at food completely differently – seeing it as fuel, knowing where it comes from, what’s actually in it. You want me cooking at home and not enjoying the convenience and instant gratification of eating out, wherever and whenever I want. You want me to be more active, more intentional about what I do and don’t do, and accountable for those physical things. You want me to focus on my health and not just say “big women are beautiful”. You want me to change my entire lifestyle just so I can down in jean sizes, so I can have enough energy to play with my kids, discipline my kids, enjoy my kids, so I can have more time with my husband as we grow older. That’s a lot of change!!! And that hurts!! Those choices, they don’t come easy! Come on!
Being stuck where you don’t belong hurts… Ya know, I could never imagine myself working a job I didn’t love, that I wasn’t called to do. I’m so stubborn and so hard headed, it would just end badly. And to be honest, the thought of it makes me kinda queasy.
So, if the thought of being stuck in a job makes me queasy – why didn’t the thought of living (or not living) the life I was called to life make me utterly sick? God never called on me to be morbidly obese. He never called on me to be tired and hurting and lazy. He never wanted me to be so uncomfortable in my own skin that I didn’t want to be around other people. He would never have wanted me to be so insecure and self conscience because of my weight that social situations caused anxiety and stress. Nor did He call me to be so self loathing that any attempts at a normal relationship with friends and family seem to end in epic failure after failure because of doubt, mistrust and anxiety.
See, we can deny it all we want but the fact of the matter is – when you struggle as hard as I have and I do with my weight and health and choices – we do not live the life we are supposed to. It’s practically impossible to serve God with a joyful heart when your heart is about to explode from your chest from the simplest exertion. You can’t step out on faith when you can’t even step out of your house and engage with people socially.
I wish I knew how to make all of this stop. These games with play with ourselves, the way we all pretend like it’s okay – when it’s not. God doesn’t call on us to be lazy or unhealthy. He tells us our bodies are temples! He tells us we are His hands and feet and last I check – the Almighty Lord and Savior didn’t have puffy and swollen digits!
I fought with God for years about what I was supposed to be doing. I was so stuck in my ways, unwilling to grow or change or listen to Him. It began to gnaw away at me. It hurt so deeply. I was miserable and lonely. I didn’t belong alone and depressed in my house with a box of cookies and a can of soda. I didn’t belong in a body that was so big there should have been two people housed in it. I didn’t belong on the sidelines while my children played at park, begging me to “come play, mommy”. I didn’t belong there and I never will.
And neither do you.
This moment is the perfect opportunity to decide that you are no long stuck where you don’t belong. The pain of growing, changing, learning, messing up… it’s nothing compared to the pain you feel inside right now. I promise you. Stop telling yourself that everything is okay when you know it’s not!
You are worth it. I am worth it. And every time we struggle to remember that, we must lift our faces to God and allow him to reach down and remind us – we are His, we are good, and we are worth it.
Today was a better day! And I have to admit, I owe it entirely to the fact that I went to the Box and had an awesome WOD with my coach and my crossfit family!
I didn’t realize how much I really missed them, being there, working that hard and well, doing stuff that makes me cry! Yes, I’m that person – when I’m scared or overwhelmed – I cry. Ask my coach, Nick, and he will proceed to pick on me for at least a good minute or two about it.
I. Found. Jerky!!! Hahaha! That was bonus. (I’m already upstairs ready for bed or I would tell you the name of it!) That made me very happy.
On the downside of it all, my back is killing me. I’m not sure if it’s just sore from not lifting for so long and then having crappy form … Or if I actually hurt something. So, I’ve been icing it and soaked in a Epsom bath for a while. It’s feeling a bit better – we shall see when I attempt to stand tomorrow morning.
Eating wise – I know I’m not eating enough. I need work on that. Its my goal for the next week to figure out an eating schedule that works and will get me what I need. Protein shakes are out for the moment – I’m still working on a concoction…. I’m determined. Hahahaha!
Hemp seeds are actually pretty good. I wasn’t expecting to like them – but I do! We had salads for dinner tonight and it says on the bag I bought to ‘sprinkle them on salad’ – so I did. Yum!
White Girl Salsa on the other hand, will not be purchased again. Yes, that’s the name of the brand and yes, I should’ve known by the name that it was going to taste like I licked the rearend of some strange animal. (I’m a white girl – so don’t start.)
One of my friends and coaches found Paleo Wraps. I bought them. And I’m super chicken to attempt to use them! Hahaha! New things and I don’t typically get along very well… But I will use them!! I’m thinking of having a taco night and trying them… Maybe.
Well, that’s my day three. I’m off to bed.
Ps – I’m not going back to edit this or it won’t get published. Sorry if there are any errors!