I haven’t blogged in a few days because it’s been quite uneventful.. Which in my life is quite good!!!
My back is still killing me but at least I can move without looking like an 80 year old woman!
I earned two bonus pointed for “reflections” on my daily WLC profile. They are almost taunting me… Okay, they are…A lot. It was so tempting to ask hubs to bring home some chocolate or something sugar loaded! But, I didn’t do it. *Sigh* I going to try to keep all of my cheats savory with maybe one or two sweet. That’s my goal… Sugar really is the bane of my existence. I think because it’s so easy to use to feed my inner addict, it’s legal, accessible, and so ‘socially accepted’. Which, to be quite honest, the last of those should be the main reason to avoid it! And detoxing from it is just as bad as a drug!
I came across this on the internet this week and it’s really been sticking with me.
Growth hurts. It so does and always has… When we’re young, we suffer from physical growing pains, the pain of growing up, learning lessons (for the first time, haha), learning about life in general. Then we get older and growth seems to sting more and more. Maybe because it comes at greater costs? Lessons learned tend to sting more and leave deeper lasting scars.
For me, growth hurts because through my growing, especially on my weight loss journey, I’ve learned how badly I’ve messed up. I mean, you don’t get to be over 300lbs overnight, by accident, or by bad luck – you do it to yourself, over and over, day in and day out. It’s every choice you make. My children have struggles that they have inherited from me, many of which are from my choices. As I’ve grown and matured, it hurts to see what I could’ve done better. It hurts to know that I’ve done things to myself that I cannot take back or erase. It also hurts to admit I was wrong… (Shhh, don’t tell hubs I ever said that!) That my way of life was unhealthy, filled with unhappiness and regret and I’m currently paying many prices now for my choices then.
Change hurts. You would think, with my past and how I grew up, that change would come easily to me. And, being married to a cop, that would help with change being easy – there’s not really set hours, set pay, set anything. So, change should be painless….
Ha. Ha. Ha….
Not even close.
I loathe change, it messes everything up. It causes me to have to think on my feet, come out off my routine and leave my comfort zone. It’s messy. I don’t like it. At all. No.
And with weight loss….?
You want me to change what I eat, how I eat, why I eat, when I eat. You want me to look at food completely differently – seeing it as fuel, knowing where it comes from, what’s actually in it. You want me cooking at home and not enjoying the convenience and instant gratification of eating out, wherever and whenever I want. You want me to be more active, more intentional about what I do and don’t do, and accountable for those physical things. You want me to focus on my health and not just say “big women are beautiful”. You want me to change my entire lifestyle just so I can down in jean sizes, so I can have enough energy to play with my kids, discipline my kids, enjoy my kids, so I can have more time with my husband as we grow older. That’s a lot of change!!! And that hurts!! Those choices, they don’t come easy! Come on!
Being stuck where you don’t belong hurts… Ya know, I could never imagine myself working a job I didn’t love, that I wasn’t called to do. I’m so stubborn and so hard headed, it would just end badly. And to be honest, the thought of it makes me kinda queasy.
So, if the thought of being stuck in a job makes me queasy – why didn’t the thought of living (or not living) the life I was called to life make me utterly sick? God never called on me to be morbidly obese. He never called on me to be tired and hurting and lazy. He never wanted me to be so uncomfortable in my own skin that I didn’t want to be around other people. He would never have wanted me to be so insecure and self conscience because of my weight that social situations caused anxiety and stress. Nor did He call me to be so self loathing that any attempts at a normal relationship with friends and family seem to end in epic failure after failure because of doubt, mistrust and anxiety.
See, we can deny it all we want but the fact of the matter is – when you struggle as hard as I have and I do with my weight and health and choices – we do not live the life we are supposed to. It’s practically impossible to serve God with a joyful heart when your heart is about to explode from your chest from the simplest exertion. You can’t step out on faith when you can’t even step out of your house and engage with people socially.
I wish I knew how to make all of this stop. These games with play with ourselves, the way we all pretend like it’s okay – when it’s not. God doesn’t call on us to be lazy or unhealthy. He tells us our bodies are temples! He tells us we are His hands and feet and last I check – the Almighty Lord and Savior didn’t have puffy and swollen digits!
I fought with God for years about what I was supposed to be doing. I was so stuck in my ways, unwilling to grow or change or listen to Him. It began to gnaw away at me. It hurt so deeply. I was miserable and lonely. I didn’t belong alone and depressed in my house with a box of cookies and a can of soda. I didn’t belong in a body that was so big there should have been two people housed in it. I didn’t belong on the sidelines while my children played at park, begging me to “come play, mommy”. I didn’t belong there and I never will.
And neither do you.
This moment is the perfect opportunity to decide that you are no long stuck where you don’t belong. The pain of growing, changing, learning, messing up… it’s nothing compared to the pain you feel inside right now. I promise you. Stop telling yourself that everything is okay when you know it’s not!
You are worth it. I am worth it. And every time we struggle to remember that, we must lift our faces to God and allow him to reach down and remind us – we are His, we are good, and we are worth it.